OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
