I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
