I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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