your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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