Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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