Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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