it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
