Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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