There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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