I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
