I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
