You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
