I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
