Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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