I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
