Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My vagina just recognized that song.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
