Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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