I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
