I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
