I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
