why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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