Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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