I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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