Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
