Me. At least after what I've been through.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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