So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
