I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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