I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
