I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
