we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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