I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
