This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
