Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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