Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
