Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
