there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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