How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
