thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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