i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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