I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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