i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Actions speak louder than pants.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
