Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
