Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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