and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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