I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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