Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
