the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think people are normalizing furries
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
