i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
