sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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