you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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